How Therapy Can be Hazardous to your Marital Health (Part 2)
(Based on the article “How Therapy Can Be Hazardous to your Marital Health” from an address by William J. Doherty, Ph.D., given at the Smart Marriages Conference, July 3, 1999)

Be careful of who is in the driver's seat of your marriage and your marriage counseling.  Be especially wary of 'drive -by diagnoses' by incompetent marriage counselors

Common ways that therapists undermine marital commitment. 

This is written from the perspective of someone who sees many couples and someone who trains and supervises potential future counselors and therapists.

Incompetent therapists.  Many therapists are not trained to work with couples and they see working with two individuals.  Individual therapy can be fairly laid back and often client-driven.  People tell their story the therapist listens carefully and provides feedback.  The client feels heard and they can possibly think through the issues.  If a marriage counselor takes this approach, s/he will fail. If I have a warring couple in my office and I don’t provide some structure and/or “protection”, we will not make any progress.  This lack of structure may be helpful in individual sessions but is it not helpful to couples.  Often an incompetent therapist will beat up on one of the partners. 

In addition, an under-recognized problem is that men can become seriously disadvantaged in couples therapy.  The therapists asks, “So Joe how do you feel about being here?” Joe stutters momentarily, then looks like a deer in the headlights, and mumbles something like “uhh…I’m here to save my marriage.”  At which time he is chided by the therapist, “Joe, that’s a thought, not a feeling.  We are here to discuss our feelings.”  At which time the therapist decides that Joe has “too many issues and he needs individual sessions.”

Beware of therapists or marriage counselors that are uncomfortable handling conflict.  According to Jay Haley, one of the founders of family therapy, “This is one of the most difficult forms of therapy,” and not for the faint-hearted.  Being incompetent is doubly difficult because being an incompetent therapist, they don’t know that they’re incompetent.

Neutral therapists.  In the 19702 and 80s (before I received my training), marriage therapists were trained to take a neutral stance and to help the individuals do a cost/benefit analysis, “what does the individual gain/lose by divorcing?”  It seems like that is being neutral but not really because this is looking at the INDIVIDUALS’ self-interest in staying/leaving rather than the interest of the marriage.  This approach often sides with the more self-oriented spouse.  When you hear someone use phrases like, “You know?  I have needs.”  “Don’t I have a right to happiness?” If the therapist’s language mirrors that now you have an alliance between the reluctant distancing spouse and the therapist—in counselor speak—a “collusion” and it undermines the marital relationship in ways that the therapist doesn’t  recognize.

An exception to all of this is when there is danger and/or abuse of some kind—whether physical, sexual, or substance.  In those cases, danger must be addressed and neutralized.  Except for this one area, I try to become the ally and spokesperson for a couple’s marriage.  After analyzing for danger, I’m going to try to support the possibility they can work this out, knowing that the couple must want it.  Sometimes it is not possible.

Therapists who pathologize “This is really an insidious one,” says the writer of this article.  If someone goes to individual therapy, s/he might criticize the spouse and the therapist is likely to come up with a diagnosis.  I hear this one frequently.  What is so harmful about these long distant diagnosis is that when the couple has come in for marital therapy if one is already pathologized, it makes it difficult all the way around: for the individual receiving the ‘drive-by diagnosis’ and for the individual who believes this diagnosis.  Sometimes the actual reason for getting married can be pathologized.  “You should never have bought this car in the first place!” Right?  Wrong!  Marriages cannot be saved that way. This can lead to a sense of fatalism and hopelessness.

Another version of pathologizing is applying that to the current relationship.  Here’s what it looks like: a spouse has an affair and their marital partner is thinking about taking back the wayward individual.  The therapists then goes to work with comments like “What’s wrong with you, since you want to take him/her back?” The therapist heightens the sense of victimization.  That last fact is especially near and ‘dear’ to my heart.  The victim, by definition has to feel like s/he is one down.  How can you ever have a marriage of equals in that case?

Regarding abuse again, an incompetent therapist can be capable of taking ordinary garden variety of marital unhappiness and pathologize it into abuse.  Although abuse is real and problematic, an incompetent therapist can expand the definition to include not only physical and sexual but everything from financial, emotional, spiritual, and religious abuse.  Caution when this kind of therapist is in the driver’s seat for your marriage.

Overt undermining The most common form of this is illustrated in provocative questions and challenges. “If you’re not happy, why do you stay?” That is a directly undermining question because the implication is “You are an idiot for staying.”  This is the assertion of the therapist’s belief that a couple is fundamentally incompatible and that the intelligent client would run, not pass go and not collect $200 on the way out of the marriage.   It is my personal and professional believe that those kind of therapists that provide that kind of advice are they (the therapist) is fundamentally incapable of helping the couple.

Undermining by direct advice It is against the code of ethics of American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy to directly tell people what they should do either to stay marriage or divorced…..but a lot of therapists do it.  Those therapists might say things like, “I think you should separate.”  “For your own health you should move out.” 

Marriage counseling can and does work to save marriages.  It doesn’t work in all cases but be sure that any counselor you seek out to work with your marriage is competent, concerned, and caring. 

(Based on the article “How Therapy Can Be Hazardous to your Marital Health” from an address by William J. Doherty, Ph.D., given at the Smart Marriages Conference, July 3, 1999)

The old adage “don’t just stand there, do something” is true in most things.  In certain arenas, the “doing something” must be undertaken with caution.  Such is the case with finding a good marriage counselor.  There are several things that are especially important for people to remember when it comes to seeking assistance for a hurting marriage.   This article on getting appropriate help for hurting marriages is the first of a three-part blog on the topic.  Please let us know how you are enjoying the series.

Be sure to find a counselor who is trained and able to look past the husband and wife as individuals and see them as a couple in a marital relationship.  There is one caveat, though:  if either the husband or wife is suffering from severe, debilitating mental health issues, such as extreme depression or anxiety or untreated bi-polar disorder, it will be necessary to get medical support, including but not limited to medication management in order for the couple to receive the maximum effectiveness of their counseling.  Absent severe mental health issues, it is important to be able to look at the marriage itself as The Client.  When you are able to do that, the appropriate attention can be focused on the marriage dynamics.  It is interesting to note that according to a national survey, 80% or private practice therapists say they do marital therapy.  Simply hanging one’s counselor shingle out does not qualify one as a relationship expert. When you contact a counselor for marriage counseling, be sure to either speak to them over the phone prior to the meeting or spend the first session ‘interviewing’ the counselor to be sure s/he is capable of putting the emphasis on the marriage relationship.

During that initial interview, it is also important to listen to any cultural biases that counselor might have.  Marriage counseling has evolved tremendously from the 1950’s when marriage counseling was focused on what we now identify as “traditional marriage.” This usually entailed traditional division of labor, etc.  Women were more often than not thought of as stay-at-home. In the 1960’s and 1970’s society in general underwent tremendous changes including but not limited to, the role of marriage as being about “what makes me happy.”  The lie was promulgated that if the parents were unhappy they should get out of their marriage; as the adults were happier, so to were the children. If the marriage was described as toxic (by either the therapist or the individual in the marriage) it was the counselor’s duty to liberate the unhappy individual from the bonds of that toxicity. The 1980’s and 1990’s were a time of consumerism.  It was a time of going for what one wanted and if we couldn’t get that, it was time to move on.  There was less loyalty in brands and relationships.  It is important for the couple to listen to how the counselor views marriage.  Incidentally, this has much more to do with outlook than it has to do with the age of the counselor.

I would make this observation of the trends of the 21st century:  it seems like the divorce rate is trending downward.  One of the reasons is because people are getting married later than ever and are living together without marriage at a higher rate.  No marriage=no divorce.

Listen to some of the comments we hear:

·        “The marriage wasn’t working anymore.”  Not working how or for whom?  “Not working anymore” sounds like we’re talking about a broken down car or a dysfunctional appliance.

·        How about “It was time to move on”?  We might say that about a job. 

·        “You deserve better.”  That is connected with the consumerism mind set. “L’oreal hair color ‘because you’re worth it.’”

·        I even heard some years ago from one social scientist (who shall remain nameless and useless) who referred to the “starter marriage.”  What?  That’s kind of like talking about a “starter house.” 

·        What about “I love him/her, but I’m not ‘in love.’”  What’s that about?  That’s almost as silly as the phrase from that trite 1970’s era movie Love Story: “Love never means having to say you’re sorry.” Yeah…..no.  The fact of the matter is that the passionate “in love” feeling is akin to a bonfire:  beautiful, hot, and not really useful for the long term use of cooking or heating.  If one waits though, that bonfire love can turn into the ember fire of long term love.  IF--and it’s a big if—they get the right marriage counselor that can teach a couple how to rekindle, reignite and teach a couple how to extend that love for the long term.

It is time for an important disclaimer:  please do not hear what I am not saying.  I am not saying that All marriages are worth saving nor are we capable of saving all marriages.  When there is physical, sexual, or substance abuse or when there has been repeated and/or unrepentant adultery, it is often more desirable to end the marriage to protect the spouse and/or the children. Having said that, if both individuals want to save their marriage, and they get appropriate help, it is possible to save most marriages.  At one point, I heard that perhaps as many of 70% of divorces can be avoided with proper assistance and commitment on the part of both spouses. 

The next article will continue discussing ways that therapists and counselors undermine marital commitment.  The third article will discuss what we do about the kids.

5.  Bio Mom vs. Step Mom In the movie Step Mom starring Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts, the relationship between these two characters starts out awkward and angry.  This movie is a good example of art imitating life.  The single most toxic relationship that exists within the step family dynamic is that between the new wife and the ex-wife.  The bio Mom is saying things like, “So she thinks she’s going to raise my children?  I don’t think so!”Or perhaps “ She (new wife) is trying to take over the discipline of my children” while forgetting that her ex-husband had something to do with the conception and birth of the children. In the meantime, the new wife is saying things like, “I wish she’d just leave us alone and let us get on with our lives.” or “The only reason the two of them (bio Dad and new wife) wants the kids as much as they do is so he doesn’t have to pay as much child support.”   Fortunately in the movie, although Susan Sarandon’s character ends up facing breast cancer, the two women come to an alliance on behalf of the children…..a happy ending, indeed.  It’s not impossible for there to be a respectful working relationship between the two women in this dynamic but it doesn’t happen overnight.  It requires focus and perseverance. 

6.  Emotional issues. We’ve already discussed the fact that step families are born from a sense of loss.  Upon divorce, each individual needs to grieve the death of a dream and grieve over the fact that the marriage wasn’t what it was supposed to be.  In addition, there are feelings of disillusionment and disappointment inherent in step families.  Step families are forged on the hearth of hope—hope that this marriage will be better; hope that this marriage will last.  When they realize it is much harder than they thought it would be, is there any wonder there is disillusionment and disappointment? These families are tempered by mistrust and molded by unfulfilled expectations.  A new wife often finds herself located in what is perhaps a self-fulfilling prophecy that the kids get in the way and the ex wife won’t go away. There is sorrow over the death of the previous relationship and fear about what will happen in the current relationship. 

7.  Issues with the Kids. In addition to the issues already mentioned, there are some specific things in step families that are unique to that situation.  An important issue involves age differences and birth order.  In one household a child might be the oldest in the household but in the other a middle child, or worse yet, the youngest.  Their role is different in each household.  There are divided loyalties,  the children love both parents yet at one household the child will join in on bashing the other parent as appropriate to make that particular parent happy.  The kids are so masterful about this that they sometimes don’t realize what is going on until they get that ‘yuck’ feeling in their gut. Children struggle with a loss of power and control.  They didn’t get to choose the divorce nor did they get to choose the new spouse’ they usually don’t have much say in the visitation/parenting plan, either.  Because children are so self-centered, they often feel guilty and somehow responsible for the divorce.  They are very ego centric and think “good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Something bad is happening, therefore I must be bad, and therefore I need to try to stop the divorce or fix the marriage.”  As adults we see this as incorrect, useless and unhelpful but in their black and white world, it makes perfect sense to children.   There is always anger on the children’s parts and there is fear.  As a matter of fact, very often anger is a camouflage for fear.  They are often afraid to attach to a new adult in their lives because they’ve already had a major loss and they just can’t do that again.  If you find yourself in the situation of struggling with any or all of these issues, look for a counselor that has training and/or experience working with step family situations

Although second marriages end in at least 60% of cases, it is possible to have a happy fulfilling remarriage.  Remember, the honeymoon in second marriages comes at the end—usually after all the kids have flown the nest—rather than at the beginning in traditional first marriages.