When you get parents together, sooner or later the question comes up of which gender is easier to raise—boys or girls?  Complicating that question is the trend that began in the 60s and 70s wherein children were raised using so-called “gender neutral” discipline strategies and “gender neutral” toys. Clearly each child also comes wired with his/her own personality.  To complicate parenting issues even further, parents come wired with their own personality also.  On occasion parents’ personalities and children’s personalities don’t always mesh.  That is probably one of the most challenging issues for parenting.  With those disclaimers in place, let’s look at specific areas of child rearing. 

Discipline.  The general consensus is that boys are more difficult to discipline.  Does it seem like they don’t listen?  It appears that boys’ hearing is not as good as girls, from day 1. Girls’ hearing is more sensitive to the frequency that is critical to learning speech.  Because of brain imaging, we can see that the little girls’ verbal centers develop before the verbal centers in boys’ brains.  In his book Boys Adrift, Dr. Leonard Sax observes that the brains of 3 year-old girls are similar to those of 5 year old boys in the area devoted to verbal development.  Girls are better able, therefore, to respond to teacher and parent directions to “use your words.”  Boys’ energy is higher, their listening skills are lower.  Is it any wonder that ADD/ADHD (not to mention CD or conduct disorder, bipolar disorder, ODD oppositional defiant disorder and autism spectrum difficulties) is diagnosed earlier and more frequently in boys than girls? Boys need to try things or touch things.  Time outs work better for young boys. Girls can be told “no” or it can be explained to them and they are more likely to accept that more quickly.

Physical safety.  Parents who have raised boys and girls don’t hesitate to say that boys are more difficult. Because of their energy level, need to try and touch things, and desire to experiment make them more prone to injuries.  Often girls are told to be careful, not to do that, or you could get hurt and that is enough to stop them from trying something. Boys? Not so much.  Knowing they might get hurt is often all it takes to stop girls.  If boys are told they might get hurt, they’ll be MORE likely to try it.  What if they get hurt?  Well, that’s just bad luck.   However, allowing boys to explore, and yes even get hurt occasionally, develops confidence and self-reliance in them.  As a matter of fact, boys consider their casts and stitches as badges of honor. Parents: be sure to buy extra bandages and take a deep breath.

Boys and girls might both enjoy playing with stuffed animals. The boys will line them up to launch them out the window or to otherwise involve them in something dangerous.  Boys will engage in parallel play or team, play--not to mention war of some kind. Girls would line them up to have a tea party or do some more collaborative things like playing school or playing house,

Communication.  The answer to the question about who is harder is “both.”  Boys are more difficult at first then girls are more difficult later.  At the beginning, girls are more interested in colors and textures whereas boys are more attracted to movement. These differences are responsible also for the differences in what and how they draw.  Girls use more rainbow-hued colors to draw nouns while boys are drawn to blue, black and silver to produce pictures that are more verb-like, action oriented, according to Dr. Sax.   Another important note for parents to understand is that boys hold eye contact for a much shorter period than girls do.  In families that have girls first, parents can be concerned about this issue as this can be an early indicator of autism.  It is because of the way a boy’s brain is structured and allows them to develop this skill as they (and their brain) mature.

When girls turn 8 or so, everything changes; little girls have been more drawn to faces and non-verbal cues. Because they are more adept at reading faces and at communicating, they spend a lot of time doing it.  There can be a big deal about who’s mad at whom, and who’s friends with whom, etc., etc. It is important for parents to establish an open line of communication from a very young age so that as the social drama increases, she will turn to her parents for help.

Self esteem. Hands down, it is harder raising a girl who has healthy self-esteem.   Because girls are typically more “other oriented” it can result in being care takers and people pleasers.   According to Jeann Berman who wrote The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids,  society puts pressure on little girls to “put others’ needs first, ignore one’s own gut feeling, and avoid asking for what one wants has traditionally harmed girls”  more than boys.  Although being caring and nurturing is important and something we want both our boys and girls, parents need to be sure to encourage their daughters to explore unknown things and to pay attention to what they want.  

Body image is a large part of self-esteem.  It is most troubling to see and hear young g elementary school aged girls worrying about their weight and thinking about dieting.  In the effort to offer healthier school lunch options, the question we need to ask ourselves, “are we unwittingly ‘feeding’ our daughter’s obsessions with body image?”  Mothers have to be careful not to spend too much time focusing on their own physical appearance.  Fathers it’s up to you to nurture your daughters’ self esteem.  Dads to a large extent, responsible for their daughters’ self-confidence and self esteem.  As dads encourage their daughters to be successful, they need to be sure to compliment their character traits and encourage them to be adventurous and try new things.

School. Boys are mostly more difficult to help through schools. In his book Gender Matters, Leonard Sax observes that one of the things that make school achievement more difficult for boys is the growing tendency of even pre-school and kindergarten to become more academic in their approach.  Kindergarten is more focused on indoor, verbal tasks rather outdoor, hands on activities.  Boys need hands on activities such as music, clay work, finger painting and physical exercise.  When kids have a hard time finishing their school work, it is common place to have them miss recess, have silent lunch, stand “on the fence” or sit on the bench.  We are doing exactly the wrong things for what would be most helpful for our boys.  One area that girls tend not to do as well boys is in spatial relationships, such as geometry.

Based on an article in Parent Magazine, June 2008 by Paula Spencer

We spent several blog sessions talking about what to look for in marriage counselors.  This time, I want to speak to one of the most important things to be discussed in counseling in general and most specifically marriage counseling. 

The conventional wisdom used to be that there are three things that make marriages go bad: Sex, Money, In-laws.  After working in this field this entire decade, I would like to add one more: Lack of Forgiveness.

I have heard lack of forgiveness or holding a grudge explained in a lot of ways, including "Holding on to anger is like taking small doses of poison and waiting for the other individual to die." Sounds silly, doesn't it?  However, what I have realized personally and professionally is that if I'm really angry with someone, most of the time, they don't even realize it.  How's that working for me?  Quite simply: it's not. In one regard then, forgiveness is actually selfish. What is forgiveness and what is it not?

Forgiveness is not a feeling.  How often have you heard someone say, "I'm just not ready to forgive"? I doubt that anyone would forgive if they waited to feel forgiving.  The better question in this regard would be, "Why not forgive?" Therefore, forgiveness is a decision.

Forgiveness is a process. You can make the decision immediately that you want to forgive someone.  However, it takes a while to work it in.  That is the time you can truly feel forgiving.  In the meantime, you walk it out and act in forgiving ways.

Forgiveness is not forgetting the hurt.  Many of us heard as kids "Forgive and Forget."  I'm afraid I'm not that good, holy, or magnanimous.  What is often the case is that there are occasions in which it is self preservation for someone to remember a hurt or other slight.  During the post divorce counseling I do, one of the questions asked is, "What were you pretending not to know about Mr./Ms. Wonderful?" That person needs to be forearmed for future relationships.

Forgiveness is not the same as trusting.  This is one teenagers try to put over on their parents all the time.  "I know I stayed out until 3:00 am, came home drunk and got stopped by the police.  But I learned my lesson.  I know now bad that was so I won't do that again." Yeah.....right.  Unfortunately, loss of trust happens immediately in the snap of a finger but rebuilding that trust takes a long time.  Forgiveness first...trusting later.

Forgiveness does not depend on the actions of someone else.  Too often the other person doesn't ask for forgiveness.  What if there is unfinished business with an individual who is deceased? Also I have seen and experienced cases in which a individual said to someone else, "I forgive you."  And the other person says, "For what?" That is probably more hurtful than the original offense. It feels like the forgiver didn't even matter to the offender.

Forgiveness is giving up the right to seek revenge.  Revenge is interesting.  Not only is it "a dish best served cold," but it is also different for men and women.  Men are really pretty good at revenge.  "You do this, I do that, and we're even.....it's done." Women on the other hand.....our revenge looks like bringing it up again....and again....and again."  You get the idea.  When we women get hysterical, we tend to get historical.

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation is a two-way street whereas forgiveness is a one-way street--especially in the short run.  Sometimes the relationship should be reconciled (as in marriage) but sometimes it is impossible as well as undesirable.

This is the third part of a three part “blog of warning,” if you will, telling couples what to watch out for as they are seeking to find someone to help save a troubled marriage.  So what can be done to make therapy less hazardous—indeed more helpful, to marriages?  Here are some ideas gleaned from Dr. Doherty during his address at the Smart Marriages Conference in 1999.

1.       We need a consumer awareness movement about the risks of sharing marriage problems with just “any counselor.”  We spend a lot of time researching appliances to purchase for our homes, reading labels on food before we feed them to our families; we consult and check references regarding nannies or daycare for our kids; we even go online to find locations for dog parks for Fido.  Yet we look online for counselors near our home or office; we consult our HR department at work to find counselors who take our insurance; sometimes we ask friends if they know anyone.  The research we do concerning appliances, daycare, or pets is really superfluous if our marriage ends and our family breaks up.  Then we can look for divorce attorneys.  Be prepared to ask the important questions and do your homework in selecting a counselor.  Know what you need to ask.

 

2.       Licensing boards and professional associations should have training requirements for therapists who claim to practice marital therapy.  You can go online to check to see whether a therapist is duly licensed and whether there are outstanding complaints against his/her license.  It is not a bad idea to ask other couples that you know believe in marriage counseling if they have used someone and whether s/he is professional and capable in their handling of these important marital issues.  Understand though that each couple is unique in their personalities and issues that have arisen.  One of the main questions to ask friends is whether the counselor is an advocate for staying in a marriage and trying to work things out.

3.       Be prepared to ask questions to learn about the therapist’s training and value orientation.  A lot can be learned these days by reading over a therapist’s website.  If they do not have one, it makes your research a little more difficult.  Read carefully through his/her website.  You should get a good feel for the individual and the way s/he approaches marriage counseling and what background and training they have completed. You can ask the therapist on the phone or in the first session the following kinds of questions:

·         “Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?” If the therapist is self-taught of workshop-trained, and can’t point to a significant education in this work, then consider going elsewhere.  Although appropriate training does not guarantee a competent therapist, it is a good place to start.

·         “What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?” If the therapist responds by focusing only on helping each person clarify their own personal feelings and decisions, consider going elsewhere.

·         “What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?”  Avoid therapists who mostly do individual therapy.

·         “Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction with the relationship?”  “What percentage breaks up while they are seeing you?”  “What percentage does not improve?”  “What do you think makes a difference in these results?” If someone says 100% stay together, I would be concerned, and if they say that staying together is not a measure of success for them, BE CONCERNED….Be very concerned.

·         If you are a couple for whom your belief/faith system is important, ask “What are your values, morals and ethics?”  If they don’t mesh with yours, don’t be afraid to look elsewhere.  If your faith belief is important and a therapist says that they try to not influence a couple with his/her own belief system that is also probably not a good fit.  If you live your life within a certain faith system, doesn’t it make sense to look for that when it comes to counseling you family?

Over 20 years ago, Dr. Harville Hendrix wrote a book entitled Getting the Love You Want. In it, he proposed what he called the Imago Theory.  Stripped down to its basic thrust, he opines that all of us come to our adulthood with some unfinished business with an important caretaker from our childhood.  As an adult, we then try to find someone who has similar characteristics as that significant caregiver from our childhood.  When I ask about that and inquire from each person, “Did you marry your mother or your father?” They almost always know.  My comment is then, you can end this marriage if you want to but without understanding this important issue, the individual will just go somewhere else and find another individual with similar characteristics.  Why not stay where you are—especially when a couple has children—and fix this relationship?

To answer some of these questions about Helen Wheeler and the Center for Families:  while in graduate school, I took every course available at the Citadel in the counseling department concerned with marriage and family issues.  The bulk of my practice is concerned with family issues.  I work with a lot of divorced or divorcing families and I can warn you and inform you of what issues these divorced individuals bring with them.  I can also talk with a great deal of experience to parents about what happens to children when parents can’t/don’t/won’t fix their marriages.  In EVERY measurement that we have that looks at children’s success in school as well as later in their lives; children in intact families do better.  Having said that, I am not able to save every marriage that presents itself in my office.  There are far more that can be saved than can’t be saved.  There are many variables that impact the success of marriage counseling.  The most important single one being: DESIRE.  Do you want to save your marriage?  If so, we can usually do it.  Call for help now.

How Therapy Can be Hazardous to your Marital Health (Part 2)
(Based on the article “How Therapy Can Be Hazardous to your Marital Health” from an address by William J. Doherty, Ph.D., given at the Smart Marriages Conference, July 3, 1999)

Be careful of who is in the driver's seat of your marriage and your marriage counseling.  Be especially wary of 'drive -by diagnoses' by incompetent marriage counselors

Common ways that therapists undermine marital commitment. 

This is written from the perspective of someone who sees many couples and someone who trains and supervises potential future counselors and therapists.

Incompetent therapists.  Many therapists are not trained to work with couples and they see working with two individuals.  Individual therapy can be fairly laid back and often client-driven.  People tell their story the therapist listens carefully and provides feedback.  The client feels heard and they can possibly think through the issues.  If a marriage counselor takes this approach, s/he will fail. If I have a warring couple in my office and I don’t provide some structure and/or “protection”, we will not make any progress.  This lack of structure may be helpful in individual sessions but is it not helpful to couples.  Often an incompetent therapist will beat up on one of the partners. 

In addition, an under-recognized problem is that men can become seriously disadvantaged in couples therapy.  The therapists asks, “So Joe how do you feel about being here?” Joe stutters momentarily, then looks like a deer in the headlights, and mumbles something like “uhh…I’m here to save my marriage.”  At which time he is chided by the therapist, “Joe, that’s a thought, not a feeling.  We are here to discuss our feelings.”  At which time the therapist decides that Joe has “too many issues and he needs individual sessions.”

Beware of therapists or marriage counselors that are uncomfortable handling conflict.  According to Jay Haley, one of the founders of family therapy, “This is one of the most difficult forms of therapy,” and not for the faint-hearted.  Being incompetent is doubly difficult because being an incompetent therapist, they don’t know that they’re incompetent.

Neutral therapists.  In the 19702 and 80s (before I received my training), marriage therapists were trained to take a neutral stance and to help the individuals do a cost/benefit analysis, “what does the individual gain/lose by divorcing?”  It seems like that is being neutral but not really because this is looking at the INDIVIDUALS’ self-interest in staying/leaving rather than the interest of the marriage.  This approach often sides with the more self-oriented spouse.  When you hear someone use phrases like, “You know?  I have needs.”  “Don’t I have a right to happiness?” If the therapist’s language mirrors that now you have an alliance between the reluctant distancing spouse and the therapist—in counselor speak—a “collusion” and it undermines the marital relationship in ways that the therapist doesn’t  recognize.

An exception to all of this is when there is danger and/or abuse of some kind—whether physical, sexual, or substance.  In those cases, danger must be addressed and neutralized.  Except for this one area, I try to become the ally and spokesperson for a couple’s marriage.  After analyzing for danger, I’m going to try to support the possibility they can work this out, knowing that the couple must want it.  Sometimes it is not possible.

Therapists who pathologize “This is really an insidious one,” says the writer of this article.  If someone goes to individual therapy, s/he might criticize the spouse and the therapist is likely to come up with a diagnosis.  I hear this one frequently.  What is so harmful about these long distant diagnosis is that when the couple has come in for marital therapy if one is already pathologized, it makes it difficult all the way around: for the individual receiving the ‘drive-by diagnosis’ and for the individual who believes this diagnosis.  Sometimes the actual reason for getting married can be pathologized.  “You should never have bought this car in the first place!” Right?  Wrong!  Marriages cannot be saved that way. This can lead to a sense of fatalism and hopelessness.

Another version of pathologizing is applying that to the current relationship.  Here’s what it looks like: a spouse has an affair and their marital partner is thinking about taking back the wayward individual.  The therapists then goes to work with comments like “What’s wrong with you, since you want to take him/her back?” The therapist heightens the sense of victimization.  That last fact is especially near and ‘dear’ to my heart.  The victim, by definition has to feel like s/he is one down.  How can you ever have a marriage of equals in that case?

Regarding abuse again, an incompetent therapist can be capable of taking ordinary garden variety of marital unhappiness and pathologize it into abuse.  Although abuse is real and problematic, an incompetent therapist can expand the definition to include not only physical and sexual but everything from financial, emotional, spiritual, and religious abuse.  Caution when this kind of therapist is in the driver’s seat for your marriage.

Overt undermining The most common form of this is illustrated in provocative questions and challenges. “If you’re not happy, why do you stay?” That is a directly undermining question because the implication is “You are an idiot for staying.”  This is the assertion of the therapist’s belief that a couple is fundamentally incompatible and that the intelligent client would run, not pass go and not collect $200 on the way out of the marriage.   It is my personal and professional believe that those kind of therapists that provide that kind of advice are they (the therapist) is fundamentally incapable of helping the couple.

Undermining by direct advice It is against the code of ethics of American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy to directly tell people what they should do either to stay marriage or divorced…..but a lot of therapists do it.  Those therapists might say things like, “I think you should separate.”  “For your own health you should move out.” 

Marriage counseling can and does work to save marriages.  It doesn’t work in all cases but be sure that any counselor you seek out to work with your marriage is competent, concerned, and caring. 

(Based on the article “How Therapy Can Be Hazardous to your Marital Health” from an address by William J. Doherty, Ph.D., given at the Smart Marriages Conference, July 3, 1999)

The old adage “don’t just stand there, do something” is true in most things.  In certain arenas, the “doing something” must be undertaken with caution.  Such is the case with finding a good marriage counselor.  There are several things that are especially important for people to remember when it comes to seeking assistance for a hurting marriage.   This article on getting appropriate help for hurting marriages is the first of a three-part blog on the topic.  Please let us know how you are enjoying the series.

Be sure to find a counselor who is trained and able to look past the husband and wife as individuals and see them as a couple in a marital relationship.  There is one caveat, though:  if either the husband or wife is suffering from severe, debilitating mental health issues, such as extreme depression or anxiety or untreated bi-polar disorder, it will be necessary to get medical support, including but not limited to medication management in order for the couple to receive the maximum effectiveness of their counseling.  Absent severe mental health issues, it is important to be able to look at the marriage itself as The Client.  When you are able to do that, the appropriate attention can be focused on the marriage dynamics.  It is interesting to note that according to a national survey, 80% or private practice therapists say they do marital therapy.  Simply hanging one’s counselor shingle out does not qualify one as a relationship expert. When you contact a counselor for marriage counseling, be sure to either speak to them over the phone prior to the meeting or spend the first session ‘interviewing’ the counselor to be sure s/he is capable of putting the emphasis on the marriage relationship.

During that initial interview, it is also important to listen to any cultural biases that counselor might have.  Marriage counseling has evolved tremendously from the 1950’s when marriage counseling was focused on what we now identify as “traditional marriage.” This usually entailed traditional division of labor, etc.  Women were more often than not thought of as stay-at-home. In the 1960’s and 1970’s society in general underwent tremendous changes including but not limited to, the role of marriage as being about “what makes me happy.”  The lie was promulgated that if the parents were unhappy they should get out of their marriage; as the adults were happier, so to were the children. If the marriage was described as toxic (by either the therapist or the individual in the marriage) it was the counselor’s duty to liberate the unhappy individual from the bonds of that toxicity. The 1980’s and 1990’s were a time of consumerism.  It was a time of going for what one wanted and if we couldn’t get that, it was time to move on.  There was less loyalty in brands and relationships.  It is important for the couple to listen to how the counselor views marriage.  Incidentally, this has much more to do with outlook than it has to do with the age of the counselor.

I would make this observation of the trends of the 21st century:  it seems like the divorce rate is trending downward.  One of the reasons is because people are getting married later than ever and are living together without marriage at a higher rate.  No marriage=no divorce.

Listen to some of the comments we hear:

·        “The marriage wasn’t working anymore.”  Not working how or for whom?  “Not working anymore” sounds like we’re talking about a broken down car or a dysfunctional appliance.

·        How about “It was time to move on”?  We might say that about a job. 

·        “You deserve better.”  That is connected with the consumerism mind set. “L’oreal hair color ‘because you’re worth it.’”

·        I even heard some years ago from one social scientist (who shall remain nameless and useless) who referred to the “starter marriage.”  What?  That’s kind of like talking about a “starter house.” 

·        What about “I love him/her, but I’m not ‘in love.’”  What’s that about?  That’s almost as silly as the phrase from that trite 1970’s era movie Love Story: “Love never means having to say you’re sorry.” Yeah…..no.  The fact of the matter is that the passionate “in love” feeling is akin to a bonfire:  beautiful, hot, and not really useful for the long term use of cooking or heating.  If one waits though, that bonfire love can turn into the ember fire of long term love.  IF--and it’s a big if—they get the right marriage counselor that can teach a couple how to rekindle, reignite and teach a couple how to extend that love for the long term.

It is time for an important disclaimer:  please do not hear what I am not saying.  I am not saying that All marriages are worth saving nor are we capable of saving all marriages.  When there is physical, sexual, or substance abuse or when there has been repeated and/or unrepentant adultery, it is often more desirable to end the marriage to protect the spouse and/or the children. Having said that, if both individuals want to save their marriage, and they get appropriate help, it is possible to save most marriages.  At one point, I heard that perhaps as many of 70% of divorces can be avoided with proper assistance and commitment on the part of both spouses. 

The next article will continue discussing ways that therapists and counselors undermine marital commitment.  The third article will discuss what we do about the kids.

5.  Bio Mom vs. Step Mom In the movie Step Mom starring Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts, the relationship between these two characters starts out awkward and angry.  This movie is a good example of art imitating life.  The single most toxic relationship that exists within the step family dynamic is that between the new wife and the ex-wife.  The bio Mom is saying things like, “So she thinks she’s going to raise my children?  I don’t think so!”Or perhaps “ She (new wife) is trying to take over the discipline of my children” while forgetting that her ex-husband had something to do with the conception and birth of the children. In the meantime, the new wife is saying things like, “I wish she’d just leave us alone and let us get on with our lives.” or “The only reason the two of them (bio Dad and new wife) wants the kids as much as they do is so he doesn’t have to pay as much child support.”   Fortunately in the movie, although Susan Sarandon’s character ends up facing breast cancer, the two women come to an alliance on behalf of the children…..a happy ending, indeed.  It’s not impossible for there to be a respectful working relationship between the two women in this dynamic but it doesn’t happen overnight.  It requires focus and perseverance. 

6.  Emotional issues. We’ve already discussed the fact that step families are born from a sense of loss.  Upon divorce, each individual needs to grieve the death of a dream and grieve over the fact that the marriage wasn’t what it was supposed to be.  In addition, there are feelings of disillusionment and disappointment inherent in step families.  Step families are forged on the hearth of hope—hope that this marriage will be better; hope that this marriage will last.  When they realize it is much harder than they thought it would be, is there any wonder there is disillusionment and disappointment? These families are tempered by mistrust and molded by unfulfilled expectations.  A new wife often finds herself located in what is perhaps a self-fulfilling prophecy that the kids get in the way and the ex wife won’t go away. There is sorrow over the death of the previous relationship and fear about what will happen in the current relationship. 

7.  Issues with the Kids. In addition to the issues already mentioned, there are some specific things in step families that are unique to that situation.  An important issue involves age differences and birth order.  In one household a child might be the oldest in the household but in the other a middle child, or worse yet, the youngest.  Their role is different in each household.  There are divided loyalties,  the children love both parents yet at one household the child will join in on bashing the other parent as appropriate to make that particular parent happy.  The kids are so masterful about this that they sometimes don’t realize what is going on until they get that ‘yuck’ feeling in their gut. Children struggle with a loss of power and control.  They didn’t get to choose the divorce nor did they get to choose the new spouse’ they usually don’t have much say in the visitation/parenting plan, either.  Because children are so self-centered, they often feel guilty and somehow responsible for the divorce.  They are very ego centric and think “good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Something bad is happening, therefore I must be bad, and therefore I need to try to stop the divorce or fix the marriage.”  As adults we see this as incorrect, useless and unhelpful but in their black and white world, it makes perfect sense to children.   There is always anger on the children’s parts and there is fear.  As a matter of fact, very often anger is a camouflage for fear.  They are often afraid to attach to a new adult in their lives because they’ve already had a major loss and they just can’t do that again.  If you find yourself in the situation of struggling with any or all of these issues, look for a counselor that has training and/or experience working with step family situations

Although second marriages end in at least 60% of cases, it is possible to have a happy fulfilling remarriage.  Remember, the honeymoon in second marriages comes at the end—usually after all the kids have flown the nest—rather than at the beginning in traditional first marriages. 

The Evil Step Mom: Reality or Myth?

Why are most fairy tales populated with the evil step mother?  Is this reality or myth? Here are 7 areas that are especially challenging in step family dynamics.

1.  Problems with the “Ex”  For the children who go back and forth between two different households, there are inevitably two different sets of rules and expectation.  Sometime they not only don’t agree, they might be in out and out conflict.  The so-called ‘bio parent’ often not only doesn’t agree with the rules at the other house, but sometimes s/he undermines the discipline at the other household.  Very often the requirements of child support and/or alimony puts a financial strain on the other household.  Since money represents security for women, the new wife often resents the ex-wife and the fact that financial resources she wants for her family are going out the other household.  These financial disagreements are a major source of conflict in step families.



2.  Step families are not the same as bio families In the first place, all step families are born of loss.  Whether the original family unit was married, there is still disappointment and dissolution by a divorce, or if there was never a marriage, there is always a sense of loss.  Children want Mom and Dad back together, even if they were never married, and the feelings that accompany a re/marriage drive a stake into the heart of that dream.  Is it any wonder that children are often cited as the reasons for the demise of a re-marriage?  Each family represented in this new marriage enjoyed their own rituals and traditions--think opening gifts on Christmas day vs. Christmas Eve—or do we spend holidays at home or do we travel for family vacation or family gatherings?  It takes a lot longer for step families to build relationships and start functioning well and typically requires a concerted effort and can spread out over somewhere between 3 and 5 years.  If the children are teens, it might take even longer.  For step families, one of the best indicators of a successful marriage tends to have more to do with the respective relationships between the step parent and his/her stepchildren than upon the marriage per se.. 



3.  Discipline issues.  Because the biological parent experiences more authority and credibility than the step parent will ever enjoy, there are unique discipline issues that arise within the step family.  One of the most disturbing and destructive dynamic that exists is that the biological parent steps back from their responsibilities and defaults their job to the step parents.  Often the bio parent feels guilty about the divorce and feels sorry for the children so there is not enough discipline that takes back.  Typically the step parent sees that and is frustrated with it so they over compensate and over discipline.  The result: frustration for the step parent, resentment from the children, and anger from the bio parent.  Initially the step parent cannot take on the role of disciplinarian.  What seems to be most effective is for the parents to decide between them what the rules and consequences will be for all the children within the household.  This discussion takes place outside of the hearing of the children.  When the decisions have been made, each parent shares with his/her own children with the comment  “we have decided that…..and the consequences will be….”.  Also it is the job of bio parents to impart to their children that s/he is conferring the mantle of authority in disciplining to the step parent in the absence of the bio parent. 


4.  Couple issues All of these problems result in a lot of stress upon the marriage and also on the couple.  Very often there is implied or stated competition with the children.  The needs of the children in this environment usually are numerous.  At the time when a couple is trying to establish their marriage, their children often need them the most.  There is fear on the children’s part as well as the adults’ part.  Nobody wants another divorce or breakup and the fear of that often drives the couple to be angry and the children resentful. What the children need as much, if not more, than anything else, is a sense of stability.  The best way to ensure this stability is to develop and protect the marital relationship.

If you find yourself in the situation of struggling with this or any other issue, look for a counselor that has training and/or experience working with step family situations

Watch for points 5,6, and 7 about step families

Resolving Ambivalence about Recommitting after an Affair.  How to move forward

Questions the hurt party asks:

1. Why??? They try to understand what might be impossible to understand.  
2. They also ask “once there’s been so much damage, can we ever get back together again?”
3. The injured party asks “Can both of us change in ways that matter?”
4. Are we basically incompatible?”

Tasks that have to be accomplished before commitment can occur:

The partners have to create a list of contributing factors

1. There has to be an apology that captures the specific hurts
2. Counseling can be used to help normalize feelings in both party and keep the process moving along

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Other tasks that have to be taken into account before re-commitment can occur:

Both partners need to understand that this is a long process.  Too often I have seen couples who have separated because of an affair or some other difficulty get impatient.  Perhaps because they were feeling lonesome and/or guilty.  Several couples I have worked with even moved back in together due to financial reasons. Although these might be legitimate reasons, it usually doesn't turn out well for couples.

A final word: I have had at least one couple who renewed their wedding vows after infidelity and other issues.  The celebration was meaningful and included the couple's children. Be careful to not try to rush this last step.  It would be better to take it a little slower than to try to rush it just so the couple can say to family and loved ones: "we are back together again."

The Unfaithful Partner’s Response

The unfaithful partner experiences relief.  It has been exhausting living a life of lies and duplicity.  Everything is now out in the open.

The offender experiences impatience and just wants to move on.  That is assuming it is like a gate or door that can be walked through and closed behind the couple.  They need to know it is more like an open door that one moves through as a process.

There is also a chronic anxiety and also grief over the loss of the lover.  Those working with unfaithful couples need to remind the unfaithful spouse to not expect the hurt partner to understand this grief.

There is sometimes justified and sanctimonious anger along with an absence of guilt. These two emotions go hand in hand.  The unfaithful partner can appear shallow and self serving.  Often the offender didn’t feel loved, appreciated, or cared for before during and after the affair.  They are not sorry for the affair but rather for the hurt it caused.

Often there is a combination of isolation and hopelessness.  Because of the isolation, they wonder who they can talk to.  They can feel shunned but counseling can help stabilize that feeling.  Their greatest fear is that they won’t be forgiven.  They can feel like they don’t deserve to be loved and don’t deserve a second chance.

Finally, they can experience paralysis and self-disgust.  There can be crippling shame.  When the guilt progresses from guilt to shame, the unfaithful partner is less likely to work to be forgiven.  If the partner experiences guilt, he or she is more likely to work to be forgiven. The unfaithful partner also usually experiences guilt over the children. 

In order to help the healing and start rebuilding the unfaithful partner need to have a funeral to say good bye to the lover.  There needs to be finality with no response, etc with the lover.   The offender needs to write an apology.  In the letter, the unfaithful needs to address the respective hurts of their spouse.

In helping couples, the hurt partner needs to look at responsibility.  We can also help then normalize these and all responses.

Marriage counseling with a counselor who believes in saving marriages is essential.  Helen Wheeler, is just that.

The Hurt Partner’s Response:  An Avalanche of losses

The hurt party loses his or her identity along with their sense of specialness. The spouse realizes that he/she can be replaced.  This is especially true if the affair happened locally.  Did the spouse take the paramour to the couple’s favorite restaurant?

The offended party loses their self respect when they forfeit their basic values. They believe they have forfeited their basic values when they tried to get the other person back. Their self respect when they realize they didn’t acknowledge that they were wronged and didn’t confront the truth.  There is often depression. Their greatest fear is that they will never feel safe again.

They lose their sense of control over their thoughts and actions.  Often they become “checkers” checking phone records, Face Book, email accounts, etc.  Along with that comes guilt that they don’t trust their spouse. They lose their fundamental sense of order and justice in the world.  Their world is now filled with chaos.

If they are people of faith, they sometimes lose their religious faith; they ask “if God were good, why did he allow this to happen?”

Along with their connection with God, they also lose their connection with others.  They question who do they tell?  Do they tell their friends, parents, siblings, etc?  There is a great sense of isolation.  This is especially true when the offended party is a woman who has been close with her mother and/or sisters. Women tend to heal by talking and when that happens, men tend to feel betrayed.

The can become suicidal because they lose their sense of purpose.  They feel abandoned and unlovable.

What needs to happen is to help the injured party feel normal.  They need to acknowledge that they have been changed.  They have to come back to knowing themselves.  To heal, the injured party needs to talk about their losses and to normalize the shame and the shattered dreams.

They need to have the courage to forgive and the freedom to not forgive

Look for another blog on the response from the unfaithful partner